For all the progress updates:
Book Progress Update: End of September 2026
Slow grind through more audiobook clippings during one of the hardest times of my life. I have 70 more books to review and process, which will take me about three or four months to finish.
I’ve been working on this book for years, and as much as I love the subject, I think about scrapping the whole thing at least a few times a month. For now, I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as I can, however far that takes me.
On a different note but related to the concepts in my book, the worst came to pass and now I’m stricken with grief. Echoing Dionysius of Heraclea and Hume to some extent, I feel Stoicism was of little solace when it mattered most. No premeditatio malorum, or memento mori over the years, and no example from Anaxagoras “I was already aware that I had begotten a mortal,” or Epictetus “If you kiss your child or your wife, say to yourself that you are kissing a human being; for then if death strikes it, you will not be disturbed,” or even Seneca “Nature gave him to you not as an absolute property, but as a loan” provided any consolation, comfort, or made the loss more bearable when it came.
Staying on Seneca for a moment, he was really smart and a joy to read, but must have been an insufferable friend at times. Who offers logical arguments and judgments instead of companionship or empathy during someone’s most difficult times? His consolation to Marcia, for example, sounds wise from a detached perspective (partly because of his eloquence), but if we were the one receiving it during grief, we would be appalled. Especially since it’s written from the position of: I’m taking it upon myself to release you from this affliction by force. Fuck off, Seneca.
Lots of reasoning in his consolation; little humanity. But that’s Stoicism and its misguided belief that reason should reign supreme.
There’s speculation that Seneca wrote some of his letters with publication in mind. That would make things worse. It would mean his advice and consolations were performative under the guise of friendship and care.
I was already doubtful of many Stoic ideas in dealing with hardship, and this has been a major test where I find them lacking when most needed and most prescribed. Doesn’t mean they are useless; I just disagree with how great they are sometimes portrayed to be.
Some modern Stoicism proponents would put the failing of the practices on me. That either I didn’t follow the advice or didn’t do it well. Or that I’m just a grieving person taking it out on the philosophy because, Boo-hoo, I’m sad and it didn’t make me feel better. That’s in line with the style of faith healers who blame the inefficacy of the healing on the sufferer’s lack of faith. It’s the strategy of quacks and charlatans: do this, and if it doesn’t work, it’s your fault. The system is perfect; you are the reason it failed. So, not only does it not work, it also adds guilt and a sense of failure to the person it didn’t work for.
Isn’t it supposed to work regardless? Isn’t that the test that makes or breaks an idea, either in science or wellbeing?
Premeditatio malorum, for example, is of little value because it is unreal and our mind knows it. Pretending to lose someone doesn’t feel remotely close to losing someone. It’s no practice at all. Pretending to be in ruin is not emotionally close to losing all you have. The exercise is mostly role-play that seems profound and useful but adds little to our resilience when the worst does come to pass. We build that resilience mainly during real storms, not by going into the shower and pretending we are toughening up to withstand the rain.
There is renewed delight in coming back to something you deprived yourself of for some time, sure. That is one benefit of the exercise, though in my experience, limited and short-lived. But as to the claimed benefit that it prepares us for when real loss comes, that’s unrealistic.
This isn’t an overall criticism of Stoicism; I like many of its concepts. My point is that the philosophy offers a set of tools and ways of looking at the world that COULD help us to some degree (and depends a lot on circumstances and our character), but it is not the holy grail some claim it to be. Nothing is. We are meant to build our life philosophy piece by piece depending on what works for us and our circumstances. And whatever answers we arrive at should be flexible to change as our life changes. No pre-packaged ism is the perfect approach to the specifics of our lives, much less remain so forever in all situations.
One can argue my pain would have been worse without Stoic ideas. I doubt it. This loss hasn’t been lighter to bear than my previous major one before Stoicism came into my life.
The answer to life’s sufferings cannot be detachment either. Over the past years, I’ve moved further away from, and eventually against, Buddhism.
Given the chance one more time, I would love as fully, and I would be as attached as I was. My pain and my tears are the other side of having loved, having cared, and that any of this ever mattered. I would take attachment with all its suffering over passing through this world without experiencing these bonds the way I did.
The way to have less pain would have been to have less of our relationship. I would never take that trade. As Nietzsche wrote, “How little you know of human happiness, you comfortable and benevolent people, for happiness and unhappiness are sisters and even twins that either grow up together or, as in your case, remain small together.”
So once again, I lean more towards Nietzsche’s affirmation of life as a better piece of philosophy for MY life. I’ve found more solace in it than in anything else during this time.
I would want to have this experience again and again because I loved it as a whole, without denying, rationalizing, or trying to detach from the horrors and pain that came with it in the end.
And it’s not that the good compensates for the bad; they coexist. What we hope is that, overall, it was worth living. It was for me. Despite all the suffering, I would gladly live this once more, in exactly the same way, to experience the love between us again. And if there were an eternal recurrence, the joys and beauty we shared would make me say at the end of my days, “Can’t wait to live our story again, Jack. Da Capo!”
